So, Question..

¨So, when are you getting married?¨ This seems to be the question of the hour folks. I called my family yesterday as they were all together for the holiday. My mom put my 83 year old grandpa on the phone and the first thing he says to me was not ¨hello sara¨ or ¨i miss you¨ it was ¨When are you getting married?¨ I almost choked on my water.

I hate this question..just so we´re clear on that.

Umm..when my boyfriend asks me? I mean, what am I supposed to say to that?

Apparently my grandma recently told my mother I better hurry and marry before I´m too old to have children.

So, what..I turned 25 and now I´m automatically in the danger zone for dried up ovaries and curdled milk?

Here in Spain it´s absolutely normal for women to have kids in their 40s. So, when I am feeling rushed at 25 I just want to scream BACK OFF in a devilish typed voice. You know, the voice that when someone is robbing a bank and they hold hostages they use that funky machine to change their voice. Ya, THAT VOICE.

So, the next time you want to ask me ¨So, when are you getting married?¨ Swallow your tongue first.

Happily not married,
SF

feliz cumpleaños

Nene-

Feliz cumpleaños. Te quiero más que ayer pero menos que mañana.

Happy Birthday Antonio.

Para siempre,
Nena

pp

We went to the zoo yesterday. I saw lots of monkey ding dongs. They were just out, ¨hanging around¨ pun def. intended.
I LOVE the chimps. They were adorable. There was this glass that was separating them from the people so I went up to it and pretended to kiss it. The chimp came running over and kissed me through the glass. Isn´t that so romantic? I think Antonio felt a jealousy pang at that very moment.
Also, there was a baby bear that was four months old named Osuna and she was just hanging around. You could pet her and everything! I think we were in a very ghetto zoo, but hey, good times. They baby bear was walking on it´s hind legs and it was the cutest thing I´ve ever seen! There were camels, bears, lions, birds, hippos and of course the famous peacocks. Thank goodness there weren´t any rhinos..........

When I lived in KY last year I went to the zoo with my friend and her two kids. ..they are two and four. As we´re happily strolling along sipping on some lemonade and heading towards the seals BAM there it was. It was like the earth stopped rotating at that moment and the whole zoo was at a standstill. Eyes bulging, jaws dropping like it was there job, and kids tugging on mommys shirt screeching, ¨WHATS THAT!¨ IT was a rhino penis. It was longer than a firetruck and he had it out there for the whole world swinging it around like a big long firehose.

Good God put that thing away was all I could think. It traumatized me so I can´t even imagine how the children must have felt. It was following the poor little lady rhino with that thing and well..........that was my day at the zoo last year. Good thing yesterday I only saw monkey one. It was much smaller...thank goodness.

scratch that

Hi. Remember the other day when I told you it was the happiest day of my life because I found peter pan peanut butter. Scratch that. That is NOTHING compared to the fabulous discovery of today.

I was at my friend Heathers house like I usually am on Thursdays and we went for a walk. She said to me, ¨Have you ever been to that American store that sells American food?¨

me: ¨WHAT?¨
H: ¨Ya, it´s really neat.¨
me: ¨Do they have pop tarts, cherry coke and dr. pepper.¨
heather: ¨yes.¨

It was at that moment that my knees felt like I had just run a marathon and I had to keep myself from not falling over.
How she kept this information from me for the year and three months that I´ve lived here is beyond me. This is a serious motive to question our friendship. :O)
Internet, I´m happy to report my pop tart search is over. At nearly 8 dollars a pop, but hey, it´s so worth it.

in heaven,
sf

cockies

Taking a nice walk today with the A man we saw this little girl in the middle of the street with her pants down wiping her vag. Meanwhile, mother was talking with a friend. I was like hmm. maybe she just doesn´t see her. Oh contraire. The mother handed her a kleenex so this girl could apparently wipe in the middle of the street. Ok this is not normal people. THIS IS NOT NORMAL!!!!!!!!!!!

I just heard a frantic scream in the kitchen from his mom so I went in.........cockroach in the house!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then the dog came, pounced on it, and killed it. I LOVE YOU CHIQUI! We trained her to do that ya know.

bang bang dead

I´m a murderer. It´s true. I didn´t think I was but apparently I am.

We have a coop with about 15 doves and 2 of them recently died. Well, I thought the one that died was the mother because there was a birdhouse with 3 eggs and I didn´t see her on top of the eggs all day. So, I decided to get the eggs and throw them over the fence. Oops. Right after I did that she was in the house going ¨ca ca ca¨ and looking all around for her eggs. Then, she sat down like she was in denial that there was absolutely nothing under her. I´m a killer! What an idiot I am.

2 chickens died too. Apparently they didn´t have enough water. Can you imagine dying of thirst? I mean we say it all the time. ¨Oh, I am DYING of thirst¨ But literally DYING. Poor animals. But the thing is, I¨m a good animal owner, I really am. It´s just that it suddenly got hotter so they went crazy thirsty on me. You live and you learn.

I recently saw the movie hard candy. We were at the movies and we saw the poster so we were like ¨ok¨ we had no idea what it was about but I saw that Sandra Oh was in it and I think she´s funny. Ya, she said like 2 words. Not the best.

Happy Anniv to my parents...34 years!!!!!
toodles
the killer,
SF

bombs away

Today´s highlight:getting pooped on by a bird.

It happened just now...my final stretch of the walk home and bamb. I got bombed, big time. It hit my earlobe and continued to roll down my earring and then plopped onto my shoulder. My earring was encrusted with yellowish bird poop. YES!

Also on my walk home I saw a man hit a pole and break his headlight on the car. It was actually hilarious. It was hilarious because this man was too lazy to turn the very sharp corner slowly and WHAP one headlight completely shattered. So, of course this man is all ticked off and he gets out of the car and starts waving his arms and yelling at the pole, like it secretly moved just to make his day worse. I love this place it´s so dang entertaining.

Remember how I told you about my friends Doberman? Well, it´s skirt season and fortunately for me her dog LOVES to put her pointy little nose UP my skirt!!! That´s a new experience let me tell you.

Oh, I also saw a lady fall off the escalator today. Man, today has been FULL of entertainment.

it´s like a heat wave

All the angels started singing and a ray of light gleamed down from heaven onto.....PETER PAN. It was the happiest day of my life. That´s right..I found Peter Pan peanut butter in Spain. It´s a miracle and God is def watching out for me. Spaniards don´t understand the concept of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. ¨What´the heck is that and why do you put jelly on it...gross¨ This is cause for concern I´m not gonna lie. If no one uderstands the tradition and deliciousness of pbj..I´m not sure if I can wake up next to them every day for the rest of my life. It´s something to think about.

I was walking home the other night and I heard EEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRR splat. So I turned around thinking the SBV fart I let out might have killed someone, but it was actually a man that fell off of his moto! But then he got up and walked away as fast as he had fallen off so I´m assuming he was ok. It was the first accident I´d seen.

As I continued my journey Antonio screams LOOK OUT because I almost crunched two cockroaches DOING IT. Heaven forbid I stop that action. Cockroaches=hot weather has returned. I´m miserable. Here´s the forecast.
Mon 90 sunny
Tues 90 sunny
Wed 94 sunny
Thur 1000000 sunny
Fri 90000 sunny
Sure, it´s all fine and dandy until someone tries to get some sleep around here and there´s NOOOOOOOO AC and the only air that blows through the window is HOT air. I feel the sweat drip onto my sheets as I try to swat the mosquitos aways because there are no SCREENS over the windows. Who needs screens? The mosquitos only eat Sara so we´re safe. Kill me now. It´s only May.

·ss Man!

I wash Antonio´s and I´s laundry and as I was folding his underwear I was stunned. The name brand of his underwear is ¨ASS MAN¨ I cracked up. No pun intended. Out of all of the times I´ve washed his underwear I never noticed that before. Ass man...the BVD´s of 2006.

In town today a woman was eating sunflower seeds, but here they sell it with the shell so you just spit those out. Well, she decided to spit while walking by me and I felt moist saliva on my bare foot. I wanted to punch her out.

Sad but funny-

there was a blind man using his cane thingy to help him find his way and for a moment I thought I was on one of those hidden camera shows because he was going in one direction and then all of the sudden he swerved and was coming right towards me. I was hugging the wall to not get whacked by this thing. I didn´t know whether to laugh or run away! I barely made it out alive!

SF

ewwwwwwwww

I just got finished cleaning my dogs bloody underwear. That´s hot, I know. She is in heat. So, she´s wearing a pair of my old underwear with a pad pinned inside. It´s actually quite hilarious! Poor Chiqui. Hey, at least Aunt Flo only comes to visit her twice a year. Lucky Dog.

Either I am a giant or the doorwells are smaller here. Practically every time I walk in and out of a room I hit an apendage on the door or the handle. I have zillions of bruises at the moment. I´m not a hobbit and apparently, these doors were built for hobbits.

I love bar soap. What can I say, I´m a freak. I HATE the gel and the poofy thing blah blah blah. It´s SO much easier to whip out the bar and that´s that. Done. Over. Poof. I grew up being a ¨safeguard¨ girl, and I´ve currently switched to Dial antibacterial. It´s a dream come true.

It´s currently in the 90s here which is out of control. My legs sweat now everytime I walk out doors, and this is just the beginning...

I am currently reading a new book ¨The Pillars of the Earth¨ and it´s fabulous. It´s nearly a 1000 pages so I have a long way to go. I imagine the start of a love affair to that of reading a fabulous book. You can´t stop thinking about it, the next moment you will be with it, it´s a desire ...so I´m currently having an affair with my new book. At least it doesn´t snore.

I got ¨the look¨ yesterday when I was buying a phone card. I say something and then the clerk goes ¨WHAT!!!!!!!!!!¨ and they look at me live I have four eyes and I´ve just spoken to them in Chinese. Good golly I know I have an accent but come on, is it honestly THAT BAD??

I got NO sleep last night. Sevilla won the big soccer tournament so everyone was letting off fireworks and honking their horns like this: beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep. Just like that. ALL night long. And the thing is...tonight is the party!

I´m out like MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice
SF

randomness

Last night I ate an entire pizza solo. Just me myself and I sitting down and eating an entire honkin pizza. Just thought I´d let u know.

So, I was watching the news and in Barcelona someone broke into a vision lab and stole all of the glasses...how hilarious is that? ¨Would you like to see our fantastic selection? We have Gucci, Prada, Coach....oh wait!¨ NOTHING was left. What did these people do with these glasses??

I like to whistle. Every now and again I think I would have been a good back up whistler for some band. I could have traveled the road and when people asked me my career choice I could have said ¨professional whistler¨ Well, at the grocery the other day this man was whistling Elvis ¨Are you Lonesome Tonight¨ and I thought I was good...I´m serious, this guy could have made a hit record. It was amazing. The ups and downs highs and lows. Great rhythm!! I wanted to get his autograph..just in case.

Man do I hate uncomfortable moments in elevators. In my ap complex there are 4 stories and 2 apts on each floor. So, 8 apts. (just in case u were wondering) Well, this girl was entering the elevator at the same time I was and I´d never met her before. So, as we are entering I said Hi my name is Sara and she said Hi my name is Ruth. That was it. The rest of the way..fidgeting and looking at the numbers to see what floor we were on. For only going up to the third floor (where she got off) I felt like I had lived my whole life, died, and been reincarnated. The longest elevator ride of my life. I think I´m going to take the stairs next time. Besides, I need the extra exercise to burn off that pizza.

Our dog is a nutcase. All dogs have their own little personalities and quirks. Our dog goes psycho when she knows we are going to take her out. She leaps to the door like a flying deer and keeps running up and down the hallway as fast as she can. She has literally knocked A on his butt before. We keep the leash by the door and we can´t even get the dang thing on her because she will not hold still!!! Well, it´s not fun taking her out because she pulls you the whole time and your hand feels like it´s been run over by a donkey cart. Then, when we come in she runs to the elevator as fast as she can and when we get to our floor she HAS to carry the leash in with her mouth. If I try to carry it in she rips it out of my hand. Then I open the door, she stands there so I can take the leash off then she LEAPS down the hallway as fast as she can to get a drink of water. It´s hilarious!! I love you Chiqui.

Gotta go, it´s mothers day here tomorrow ( a week earlier than there) gotta get something for A´s mom.
Chao!
SF

finger lickin good

So, when is the last time you really craved some home cooked placenta? Or asked for an extra helping of it at the dinner table? It makes my mouth water just thinking about its deliciousness.

Well, apparently Tom Cruise thinks it´s a very nutritious meal as well. And I quote:

¨I´m gonna eat the placenta. I thought that would be good. Very nutritious. I'm gonna eat the cord and the placenta right there.'' GQ magazine.

Someone please kill me now.

confession

Forgive me internet for it has been nearly a week since my last entry. I tried to post pics last time and it wouldn´t let me so I think I subconsciously banned blogging for awhile. But, it´s ok no worries. I´m back and ready to attack.

I just went into the kitchen to look for the phone. It has a little red flashing light so no need to turn on the light. I heard this pspspspsp sound and it freaked me out so I turned on the light. There is an entire bag of...drum roll please..........CRABS in the sink. Live ones at that. Ok that´s just gross. Who eats crabs?

I´ve been busy.......Had some friends in town so I had to practice my tour guide skills at a higher pace than I´m used to. Also, Feria is over boo hoo. We watched the fireworks the last night and they were amazing. I think I was deaf and blind for about ten minutes afterwards. But other than that, good times. There were these ones that were gold slivers through the air, I thought it was the rapture and we were all going to be lifted into the sky. I was just waiting for the trumpet.

Oh, and by the way, I washed my feria dress and it´s now pink. Awesome.