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Aug 7-Sep 15 USA.. Contact me, or die!

making a baby..

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...''Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.''Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?''Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.' 'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!''Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.''My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.''Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.''She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look''Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had t o pack it all in.'Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.''Tripod?''Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.' Mrs. Smith fainted

muscles.

THIS IS THE LOOK I¨M STRIVING FOR.
AND THIS...

But, unfortunately, I still look like this. (Taken earlier before my morning bath).

Holy Stinkin Cow.

Well folks, if you´ve noticed I´ve changed the title of my blog. Why? Because as of this very moment I am NO longer an illegal alien in Spain. After three years and 3 months of waiting very impatiently to get everything I needed it´s done. This very morning I went to pick up my N.I.E. which= existence. SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have been waiting forever! Olé!!!!!!!!!!

facebook...

now has chat ..which is A.W.E.S.O.M.E.

if you have it, chat with me. if not, get it..ASAP!

sad news

Little Calvin died in my hands today. I don´t know what happened. I went to say goodbye to him before I was leaving for work and he was all tense and could only move his eyes. So I started freaking out and bawling like a little baby. And then he died. And I cried and missed my classes. I already miss you Calvin;(

bad day at the office?

http://glumbert.com/wii/view.php?name=baddayoffice

i do not miss my cubicle.

good times

I usually go see my friend before class and we were talking about some ¨things.¨

Usually she has two teams set up Lions and Elephants. So, as we were talking she looks up and instead of writing lions she had written LOINS. I almost wet myself.

My students were asking where I´m from England or the USA. I told them the USA and so one asked me, ¨So, where do you sleep? Here or there?¨ Kids are so funny. They also never stop talking!

But do they bloom??? I wonder if they come in different colors?I wonder about the fragrance? I wonder if it would help to put those preservative packets in the water? I wonder if they bloom?I wonder whether they would look better on the kitchen table or in the entry? I wonder if they're cheaper by the dozen?I wonder if they come in long-stemmed?

Captured at 115th and Allisonville Rd. in Fishers ( Indianapolis ). The sign is real and was up for two hours before someone stopped and told them how to spell PEONIES!

charlie rolled over! (nephew)

¡Calvin!

Calvin is busting out of his box! I´m deeply in love with him already.

sweetness.

We named our new bird Calvin and he is doing totally awesome. He´s eating like a champ and I will post new pics as soon as his hair grows back. He told me he was a bit embarrassed about his bald spot.

Do you remember sticker books? I totally rocked one out when I was little. My parents even owened a sticker store in the 80´s. Seriously. So, with that being said, I´m sure my sticker book is probably one of the coolest sticker books E.V.E.R. I specifically remember being very proud of a Michael Jackson white glove sticker. I give some of my students stickers and one of them was showing me her book. Ya, mine is WAY better...now if I could just find it...

Yesterday we totally went to the circus. It was a three hour long circus. Very good indeed. My grandparents used to take me to the Barnum & Bailey circus every year when we went to visit them in FL. I remember feeling cool getting my face painted like a cat. I think I was 11. Yesterday they had lions, seals, crocodiles, horses and elephants. I was sweating profusely during the tight wire act. They ¨pretended¨ to fall and I almost died. I´ve read plenty an article about freak circus deaths and I really don´t want to witness one. Get a net people! I know you are brave. I gotta give circus people credit..tough life. If I had to chose what act I would do it would be......training the elephants. That´s just fun. Especially cleaning up their poop. Do they make pooper scoopers that big?

On the metro today a man was carrying a radio. And everyone was listening to that radio...since he was carrying it on his shoulder. I was actually kind of annoyed. We are in 2008 sweets. Mp3 anyone?

This is what A brought home today. His father was plucking all of his feathers off. No good! Hopefully we save him!

100 and counting.

Yesterday we went to a birthday party. Antonio´s grandmother Ángeles turned 100 years old. I can´t even imagine what it would be like to say ¨I´m 100.¨ She was born in 1908. Can you imagine living through all of those technological changes?

Back in the day a couple used to go on walks with chaperones...kissing and holding hands was a big no no. If they were dating they would say ¨we´re strolling.¨

Now kids have sex on park benches. Watch where you sit!


I have to throw this out there...I´m not really sure I want to live until I´m 100. In fact, I´m quite positive I don´t. I hope the big guy takes me home WELL before I turn 100. A´s grandmother is basically a vegetable. She´s been this way for about three yrs now. She basically stays in bed all day long (they amputated her leg a few years ago). But, she´s still here. So, Ángeles, welcome to 100. If 27 is making me feel old 100 is just........wow.

i have a good ten years left.

Holy Mother thank goodness it´s Thursdsay night. I´ve always been a big fan of Thursday nights.

The bad thing about teaching is that I get everyones germs. I feel like a very fat fat lady and or man is sitting on my chest and they refuse to budge. I also feel like that very fat fat lady and or man is cutting tiny slits in my throat and then throwing salt in the wound. All in all its a very pleasant feeling. Oh, did I mention I´m sarcastic? ( I guess that can be one of my faults. so there.)

So, here´s some food for thought. Tuesday I had a class with two adults and they are a married lawyer couple. Very advanced level of English. At any rate, I brought some materials to class about love at first sight and we got to talking about culture differences of marriages and ages etc. I´ve been living in Spain for three years now and I´ve noticed a HUGE difference as far as the age people get married, have kids etc. Here, the normal age to even consider marriage is around 34...and babies..closer to 40. Also, if women do not get married and or have babies they are not considered weird and sent away to freak camp.

USA.....well, last time I checked 30 was old. Heaven forbid we women don´t get married by 30 and babies...at 30 you are lucky if you have any ovaries at all. Functioning and not dried up that is. And if you don´t get married you are just plain FREAKY. Why don´t you just go ahead and shoot yourself in the face now?

Or you can just move to Spain!!!!!!!!! At least then you gain a good ten years to look for that special man.

a candid photo...

of our presidential candidates.

..

the other day we got chinese and as we were leaving the lady totally looked at my shoes , and or feet and started talking about them to the other chinese lady. they were both STARING at my feet while jabbering away in chinese. as we were leaving i asked antonio if he noticed and he started bursting out laughing. ¨you do have big feet.¨ was his reply.

jeez, thanks. better to kick u in the..........face with my dear.

charlie

some info..

Pecker: Spirits, as in ¨Keep your pecker up¨ as an encouragement to residents during the WW2 London Blitz.

I´m totally bringing it back...Hey you, it´s okay, don´t fret, Keep your pecker up! I LOVE IT

TAG

TAG Thanks Katie.

1. The rules of the game get posted at the beginning.
2. Each player answers the questions about themselves.
3. At the end of the post, the player then tags 5 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged and asking them to read your blog.

What was I doing 10 years ago-
-Boyfriends took up lots of time. I wasn´t allowed to date until I was 16. So, I had my first boyfriend and was madly in love. Then it was our 7 mth anniv. He took me to my favorite restaurant, then to get icecream, and then to the park. Only to push me on the swing and then say, ¨I´ve been thinking a lot about us lately.¨ I got dumped. I had a choir concert that night. Awesome. So, then I started to date his best friend, for the next 2.5 yrs. We were just horny b&stards in highschool...lets be honest here. I bought a lot of chapstick.
-spotlighting
-Toilet Papering houses and sticking plastic forks in people´s yards.
-driving around neighborhoods and taking out all the for sale signs only to put all of those for sale signs in the yard of the guy who dumped me. (with the help of my friends of course).
-going out to eat, movies
-played lots of tennis, lessons at the racquet club and tennis team
-freaking out about my drivers license. i had to pull over my first day of practice because my foot was shaking. HAHAHA
-College prob crossed my mind
-Getting together in my friends basements and playing weird games that we made up like silent football. We even had a boxing match once. I was the ¨ring girl.¨


Five things on my to do list today-
-Go to the gym
-Make lunch for A and I
-Get my Feria dress on and partaaaaaaay
-Dance Sevillanas
-Have sex. (oops. Did I say that out loud?)

Places I have traveled-
Japan, Morocco, Puerto Rico, Cayman Islands, Portugal, Spain, France, Italy, Germany,
C. Republic, Belgium, Netherlands, England, Scotland, Ireland.

Snacks I enjoy-
Anything chocolate
Cereal Bars
Should I say fruit? But, I would be lying.

Things I would do if I were a billionaire-
-help any family members in need, give to missions and orphanages.
-prob some lypo and botox
-i´m sure a few material things like bags, cars, shoes
-travel
-write a book and make my own co. to publish it myself
-buy a zillion animals, esp horses
-maybe burn a hundred dollar bill just to see what that would feel like.

five of my bad habits- (MOI! I don´t have any!)
-being oversensitive and making movies in my head. A calls me spielberg
-being too clean and organized
-being anal about everything
I dont know, I can´t think of anymore, I thought of three. I¨m pretty psycho about calling people back, emailing, writing, and I even remember birthdays. You tell me what they are.

Five places I have lived-
Osceola, IN
Elkhart, IN
W. Lafayette, IN
Louisville, KY
Seville, Spain

Five jobs I´ve had (I´ll list them all)
-Dinos pizza baby. I was sixteen.
-Three Point Vet Clinic. I was the asst. cuz I used to want to be a vet. And then I got ringworm from a cat......and learned that it takes a lot of science. Eww. I hate science.
-Working ND home games as a credit card chick. Don´t even know the name.
-A few hometown modeling gigs.
-Lifeguard at knollwood country club.
-I taught private swim lessons.
-Secretary at a mortgage co. HATED IT
-At Purdue I worked in the union at Oasis for three yrs. Loved it! It was like a Subway and a Starbucks mix. Fantastic.
-Subst. teacher
-Waitress at Papa Vinos
-Staff writer in KY
-Lets not forget summers at Charlotte Russe.
-and that leads me to now. ESL teacher. Wicked.

Now comes the part where I should tag five people. I dont even know five people. I suck.

joke

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze. 1st Hillbilly says:

"My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. "

2nd Hillbilly says: "Why is that stupid?"

1st Hillbilly says: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"

2nd Hillbilly says: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin' machines!"

1st Hillbilly says: "Why is that so stupid?"

2nd Hillbilly says: "'Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"

3rd Hillbilly says: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."

1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: "Well, what's so dumb about that? "

3rd Hillbilly says: "She ain't got no pecker.

singing in the rain...

I went to the gym and was too lazy to take an umbrella, plus it wasn´t really raining when I went. Oh, that changed though on the way home. You know, walking in the rain is actually quite invigorating and fun (if the shower is your final destination). It´s also surprisingly cold, and kind of took my breath away. I walked by a barber shop (completely soaked at this point) and this man gave me the death stare like, ¨I can´t believe you would be so irresponsible and NOT take an umbrella.¨ At this point I was laughing hysterically because walking in the rain does that to you, it makes you crazy. Go on, I dare you. Walk in the rain and not laugh. Again..knowing that the shower is your final destination.

This rain is really putting a damper on my feria plans. MTWTH RAIN. SON of a..

Here is a picture of feria when it was sunny, and I was young and pretty. Now I´m an old old hag.

charlie

bursting at the seams!

I am so excited! Feria time is upon us. This means I get to wear a fun dress, dance, and drink til I puke.......I mean.......just kidding. I don´t drink, remember?

Today we went to a horse show which was amazing (we went last year too). Enclosed are a few of my favorites.

I also got summer school which is FABULOSO! I will be teaching little brats the entire mth of july in 175º Sevilla. Can´t wait!

shoutout

to my friend Rachel........she sent me a crockpot, york peppermint patties and cadbury eggs. YUM!

THANK YOU RACHEL. You are the best! SO excited!

my name.

http://web.mac.com/bobfizzell/iWeb/Site/History.html

priceless

And I quote...

¨The room was so quiet you could hear a pimp drop.¨ -Antonio Luque (my husband)

I´m so proud.

if celebs moved to wisconsin...

KIDMAN
ANISTON

CRUISE
DEPP
J.Lo and Mark Anthony

.........

whoa, i´m tired. i am working like a dog! i got ten more hours at work and i am NOT used to getting up early. i´m slowly getting used to it though. i am NOT a morning person. i used to go to bed at 130am and get up around 1030am. (used to being last week) in middle school and highschool i had to start at 725 or something stupid like that so i was traumatized at getting up when it was dark outside. ever since then i´ve done everything i can to avoid getting up before 10am. that´s why i moved to spain.

best divorce lawyer

Dear wife: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.
You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone. Your EX-HusbandP.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together!
Have a great life! Dear Ex-Husband Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn't work.
I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was just a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out.

So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free! P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.